Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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