Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
