I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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