Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
