someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
