so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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