last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
