i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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