Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
