I smell stomach acid.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
