I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
