you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
