Are we in a gay sports bar?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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