I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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