So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
