haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
