Can Purell be used as lube?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
