You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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