why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
