then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You can't special order awesome
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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