Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
