I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
