my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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