i just wanna soil my oats bro
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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