I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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