my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Drunk is not a location!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
