and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
