Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
as a side note pls kill me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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