The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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