brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
