Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The adults are the big ones right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
