you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
