i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
