I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i dont even know how to be here
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
