final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
