Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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