She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
