If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
