So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
