well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
