Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
