a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
