I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
