I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
