Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
