you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
