I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
