All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
