did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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