oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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