I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
