my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
