i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
