new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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