I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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