my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
