you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
