Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize