For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
