Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
