dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
