dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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