i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
