I met the friendliest cop last night
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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