How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
