can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
