Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
