I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
