Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
