If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i think i have two assholes
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
